Though I found my journals a couple of days ago and I almost had total recall about the purpose of their construction, I still have feelings of complete and utter loss. These spells of amnesia associated with my work have really taken their toll this time, and if not for a hovering, aggravated sense of trying to desperately remember something I know I have forgotten or lost, I would have chosen not to pursue this project any further many, many years ago. This maddening impulse to seek out hints of recollection offered up like bread crumbs on a trail of what now appears to be a pathway toward my own mental destruction is completely out of my ability to control. This might have already been the case for several years, but I have just become fully aware of this situation, as though I have woken from a haze. Can I be doing this to myself on purpose? I realize I have been blaming external forces such as hyper-tension or lack of sleep, but now I am extremely concerned that I am intentionally plotting against myself to prevent the completion of this project. But, then again, there are these new, strange physical signs as of the last two days that something abnormal is happening. I just started finding insect wings all about the house when I brought my journals back home to clean off the dirt. These are the type of wings that would belong to a large cicada-like bug, but I have not found a single insect body. I decided to collect these wings in small baggies. When I hold these wings up to the light they turn a ruby red. Usually, when something new is introduced into the house, it winds up in one of dogs' mouths, but all of the dogs completely avoid these wings and keep a good distance from them. Outside, I have also found many mounds similar to ant hills surrounding the house. I know that if I did have a secret self, there is no way I would have had the capacity to fabricate such a large scale hoax. What I need to do now is find out who is attempting to take advantage of my current state of paranoia. Most likely a neighbor, who has been observing my irrational behavior and became proxy to my work and is interested in capitalizing on my research. I must hide my work and make sure no can find my journals.
